I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
