on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
