just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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