All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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