Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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