seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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