The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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