That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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