Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
