You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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