Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
