You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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