I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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