how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
