Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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