Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
