1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
