So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
