You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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