Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
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