I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
