I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You need a sexual gate keeper
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
