Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
