there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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