We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
