this boner is exhausting
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
As shirtless as possible
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
