I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
