I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
FUCK WHALES
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
