Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
