The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
