There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
