Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He called his prostate his "boner button".
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
