an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
