So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I want to fling myself into the sun
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
