We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
