I could make wine with my vomit
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
