tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
