Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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