you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
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