barbara walters just said penis...
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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