She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
