I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
