My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Randomize
