Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
