i'm signing you up for texting rehab
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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