When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
