Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
