Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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