apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Randomize
