I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
