Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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