i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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